Denial
by Captain Alfie
Summary: Lily knows that she is in love with James, but doesn't want to admit it. She is fighting with her emotions, but knows deep down she will have to give up in the end. A songfic to 'Deinal' by the Sugababes. Lily's POV.


_As soon as I heard this song I thought about Lily and James, so I had to write this. This is the first thing I've written in a long time, and my first (half-decent xP) fanfic. Read and review please!_

_Disclaimer: Neither the characters or the lyrics are mine and I do not claim to own them. _

_I hope you enjoy it,  
-Animal_

* * *

_Somewhere in the back of my mind  
Secretly I know you will find  
Me amongst the blushing and glow  
Deep beyond the things I don't show _

I clattered down the stairs from the girls' dormitory for patrol, all too ready for the usual five minute wait for James to arrive. Not this evening. This evening he was waiting for me, a slightly smaller and shyer smile on his face than his normal grin.

I felt my heart flutter, but I quickly scolded myself. Why did I have to feel like this? I would never tell him how I felt, I had decided, but somehow I knew it was never going to happen like that.

_Mystery's a beautiful thing  
What a gift a woman can bring  
Never let it out just like that  
Let him slowly figure it out_

I smiled slightly and nodded. We climbed out through the portrait hole, and then stood in the corridor. Silently we set off on our patrol, always following the same route through the corridors and passage ways, checking that all was well in the school.

We were nearing Gryffindor Tower again when I realized how close I was too him. We were walking side by side, like we always did, but now our hands were almost touching. Feeling embarrassed I stepped slightly to the side, widening the gap between us.

When we were back in the common room again, we usually went our separate ways up the two staircases. Tonight however, I turned halfway up to see him still in the common room, watching me. I winked at him and then turned again to go up to bed.

_How can a flower bloom  
Just over a day?  
And at night  
You gotta let the water drain in_

When I reached the dormitory, I saw that all my friends were already asleep. I was glad about that; I didn't really want them to see the smile on my face. Not yet, anyway. I lay back on my bed, still fully clothed. Why did I feel like this now? What had changed? I knew the answer.

It was James that had changed. Over the years, he had matured however much I didn't want to believe it. He still played stupid tricks on people and kept getting told off by the teachers, but so did a lot of the other boys. Well, maybe not all the pranks, that was the Marauders' specialty, but everything else. He was a good guy, really. You could tell that when he was with his friends. He was loyal and kind … to people he liked, anyway.

And he liked me. More than liked. All these years I've turned him down, and I realized now that I must've hurt him. But he hasn't given up yet, that must mean something.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you__  
I didn't wanna know the things I knew  
It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
Denial  
_

Sitting in the common room a few days later, I was still trying to figure out how I felt.

I was sitting near the corner, outside the circle of firelight. There was a mirror on the wall next to me, and I looked into it, watching the people in the room behind me.

I could see the Marauders sitting not very far away, all crowded rounded a little table. They were probably scheming something, but at least they weren't looking at me again.

I had spoken - or thought - too soon. James had now looked up, and was watching me. I caught his eye in the mirror and he winked at me, grinning. My heart jumped, and I lowered my head.

No … I was not, _could not_ be in love with James Potter.

I knew I was wrong, but maybe if I convinced myself I wasn't …

_You were like a power of nature  
Telepathic beautiful creature  
Understanding all of my weakness  
Patient, loving, knowing you'd reach it _

Three weeks later, and I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love with James. Strangely, though, he hadn't made any attempts to ask me out.

I had gone to watch the quidditch match, of course, but instead of watching the game I had found myself watching James. I had to admit, that boy was good on a broomstick. He also seemed to be able to concentrate on other things, and still be good at quidditch. Or at least he was trying too when he winked at me as he flew past.

As everyone was walking back up to school, I passed him and his friends. They were surrounded by their normal group of admirers, but he still noticed me and winked. He definitely didn't give up, that was something I knew very well by now.

_Cynical and hurt was just me  
You were never supposed to be  
Part of what I would call amazing  
Took so long to finally see  
_

We were on patrol again, and for the first time in weeks we had actually found someone who was out of bed. It was a second year kid, who seemed to know James. He was all for letting him off, but I put my foot down and took five points from him before sending him to bed.

Once he had rounded the corner and was out of earshot, James turned on me saying that he 'had only been down to the kitchens' and 'there was no need to do that to him' because he was 'only a kid'.

I lowered my head and looked at my feet. Now I knew how James had felt when I turned him down so many times … things like that really did hurt. I lifted my head again and glared at him, regretting what I said next even I was saying it.

"I thought you like me, James Potter. And maybe I was starting to like you, too. But now I know you haven't changed at all. You'd rather keep your stupid fan club than do the job that Dumbledore gave you, wouldn't you?"

And before he had a chance to reply, I turned my back on him and started back to the common room alone. My eyes had filled with tears as I was speaking, and as soon as he couldn't see my face any more, the tears began to run down my face.

I had come to like, almost enjoy, the patrols now. We actually made quite a good team, James and I. And now I realized that I did love him, but maybe I had realized too late. I'd just ruined everything before it even started.

_How can a flower bloom  
Just over a day?  
And at night  
You gotta let the water drain in _

Lying in bed that night, I was still crying. My face was buried in my pillow, but I still heard the tap of an owl on the window. I stood up; my face streaked with tears, and went to let it in. As soon as the window was open enough for it to fit through, the bird fluttered across the room and landed on my pillow.

I crossed the room again, and sat down on my bed, looking curiously at the owl. Instead of a letter, it had a single lily and a note clamped in its beak. I took them gently from it, and I couldn't help smiling through my tears when I read the note.

'_Sorry. You were right and I shouldn't have said those things. I swear now that I didn't mean it. I love you, Lily. Sorry again.'_

It wasn't signed, but I could guess who it was from.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you  
I didn't wanna know the things I knew  
It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
Denial_

The next morning, I went down to the common room early. I kept my head down until I had curled up in my usual chair in the corner. Only then did I realize that I wasn't alone. There was someone else sitting on the other side of the room, apparently oblivious to my presence. In his hand was a single lily, identical to the one that was now tucked behind my ear. It was James.

I knew that I loved him, and I wanted to tell him that, but still my pride was holding me back. I couldn't admit to being wrong all these years. I just couldn't.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you__  
I didn't wanna know the things I knew  
It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
Denial_

Once again I sat in my favourite chair in the corner of the common room, thinking things over. This time it wasn't my feelings for James, although that did have something to do with it. That morning the Marauders had decided to spill their deepest secrets to me, and I was still trying to let it sink in. It had made me think differently about them: better in some ways, but maybe it was too much information at once. I was confused. I now understood why they had done things in the past, and James' loyalty to his friends had just made me admire him more. I didn't want to feel like this. I wanted to deny my love for James, but I also wanted to admit it. I was torn, and I didn't know how to feel.

_I see the way the wind blows  
Like open minds  
For us no complicated barriers  
To hold us back _

We had just finished another patrol, and were standing at the top of the astronomy tower. We didn't normally finish there, but for some reason James had insisted on taking a different route. Now I could guess why.

We stood side by side, looking out over the grounds. I could feel the wind whipping my hair around my face, and I shivered slightly. James glanced at me, and then put his arm around my shoulders. This time, unlike every other time he had tried, I didn't push him away.

There was nothing in the way now, not now. One tiny decision had just changed everything, and now I had the whole world at my feet. A smile tugged at my lips as a though came into my head.

I turned to face James and, before he could say anything, I stood on tip-toe and kissed him.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you  
I didn't wanna know the things I knew  
It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
Denial_

"James?"

The common room was full and everyone was talking so loudly I could hardly hear myself. James obviously could, however, as he turned around as soon as I had spoken.

"Yeah?" he asked, smiling at me.

"I want to talk to you … about last night."

Instead of replying, he raised his eyebrows at me and stood up. We went over to an empty corner of the common room and he turned to face me.

"So …"

I sighed. This was harder than I had expected it was going to be.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you_

"James … I know I've been turning you down all these years, but …"

I looked into his eyes, and felt my heart flutter. I could tell he was trying to keep his expression neutral, but there was a glimmer of hope in his hazel eyes.

"I kept how I felt hidden for so long …"

I lowered my head.

"I didn't want to fall in love with you …"

_I didn't wanna know the things I knew_

"I guess I just didn't want to know. I didn't want you to think you could trust me … I didn't want you to tell me all the stuff you did."

I was looking determinedly at my feet now, not wanting to meet his eyes again and tell him outright that I had been wrong.

_It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
Denial  
_

"But I was stupid. I've been in denial for so long … I guess it's got to come out some time …"

I finally looked up, my green eyes meeting his hazel ones.

"I love you, James Potter, and there's nothing I can do about it."

A grin spread over his face, and he wrapped his arms around me. Then, as he pulled me closer to him, I closed my eyes and forgot about everything else.

_I didn't wanna fall in love with you  
I didn't wanna know the things I knew  
It wasn't till I looked into the mirror  
__**Denial**__  
_


End file.
